Have you felt the pressures of life build to the point of a volcanic eruption of anger? Or do you feel like imploding from the shame and anxiety within?
Have you alienated yourself from those you love and from those you could love?
Are you swimming in the pain and regrets of “what if’s” and “had I only’s”?
Rest assured you are not alone. Here is a story of a little girl who loved, who lived, who was forgotten and yet survived. A little girl who is.
Men don’t shy away --- you might find that you have much in common with this little girl too. Let us call her Ava, which means: life, bird, water, island.
Born to the summer with the spirit of the heavens, the drive of a general and a heart warm like a flame. She flowed gentle yet wild like a river making her way to the vast expanses of the oceans. Her soul was free and unburdened, unscarred. The first time we breathe on our own we are nothing more, nothing less, than ourselves. We have not been imprinted by the stings of life. Sometimes I wonder if we can be imprinted by love but I always conclude that that is what we are born with.
This little creature, this little Ava, bright and new was so beautiful in her being. Her heart was full and overflowing for all to enjoy. Then came the time to learn to survive in this harsh world. One so deeply complex and confusing that with love alone we would not learn to thrive. Can you image what it must be like to suddenly awaken in a place, entirely helpless, entirely reliant on others to live another day? A place so alien and foreign you do not even speak the language. Your vision is still blurred and you can only make out the faces close to your own. Your muscles are so unknown that even learning to smile is a feat close to a miracle. Well, that is what happened to little Ava. That is what happened to us all.
Over time little Ava was taught that she can smile! She finds joy in certain things. She finds humour in others. She loves the furry creatures who do not speak either, they bark or meow or tweet. She loves them because they do not tell her when she can smile. She has learnt that in order to secure her survival, it is better to smile less and only when approved by those around her. You never know when they will threaten her again with the promise of isolation and disconnect. Who knows how long that might be? Maybe only for a short while. Maybe long enough to cause hunger. Better not to risk it.
Ava grew and grew. With time she figured out that her smiles will not cost her a life. Only pain. Sometimes that pain is worth feeling in exchange for a smile. And so, she keeps on smiling but she stopped laughing too loudly. You see, this may bother others higher up the ladder than her. That noise can be incredibly obnoxious and who is she to laugh? What does she have to be so proud and happy about? It is most definitely not her intellect. Her beauty can be put into question too. She isn’t the star athlete or a graceful dancer. She can’t tell stories because she can’t pronounce the words right. She cares about the wrong things too, nobody loves fish so what wrongness in her brought her to do that?
Like all other girls, Ava was schooled to think of herself as a being in service of others. Ava was to be gifted a marvelous and expensive jewel, she’d be taken in by a loving and caring boy who would be the father of her little girls and boys. She was to do well in school, she was to smile only when told, she was to care about the right things, she was to be graceful and beautiful. But she wasn’t… she would roll down hills, hang from the monkey bars, dive in the deep end of the pool, she would run up mountain trails and stumble on her way down, she would climb trees and make funny calls and funny faces. She would act as if she was free.
How dare she? Who does she think she is? Where did she get the right to disobey so flagrantly? Where did she find the audacity to fight back? What is she thinking when she loves that poor boy in her class without hesitation or that weird girl on the bus? Who told her it was okay to have fun in all things that made her feel alive?
Little Ava stands no chance to be loved. She is not good enough for her savior prince. She will get no such jewel and she won’t be loved with that bossy tone, that selfish drive and the belief that she is better than others. Oh, how she goes out there and smiles without being told! It isn’t beautiful to run wild and free. It isn’t graceful to stumble down mountains. It isn’t smart to speak the wrong words and care about so much. It isn’t selfless to hang from trees and dive in the deep end of the pool. She needs to be disciplined! She needs to learn her lesson or else…!
Ava, she grew up and became a good girl. The pressures, judgements, expectations, and external shame eventually dragged her into place. She has a good education, a good job and a husband. She fears what might happen if she slips out of line. What would people think? She’ll lose her job. She’ll lose her husband. She won’t be loveable anymore. Maybe they already see through her façade and know how unworthy she is. It is only a matter of time until they figure out she is scamming everyone.
What Ava doesn’t know is that she was taught to be this version of herself. It serves society, especially the rich and powerful, for her to be this way. She does not remember her wildness, her smiles, her dreams and the feeling of worthiness and joy. She fears, she is anxious. This doesn’t mean she does not love and cannot love but it does mean she is not free. Ava is hurting herself and as an extension she is also hurting those she loves the most.
Ava underwent the conditioning each one of us goes through as we grow up. There is nothing shameful about her being. There is nothing shameful about her emotions and dreams. Yet, we are ashamed, fearful, frustrated because we let ourselves be changed in order to survive. The good news is, little Ava is still alive and all she needs to shine and join forces with the strengths Ava has gathered throughout her life, is to be loved.
How far did you burry the little child inside of you?
How much did you shame them?
How much did you belittle, push away, discredit, dislike, fight against, stifle, drown, beat up this child?
How often have you told yourself that you are not good enough? How often did you tell yourself you are worthless, that you suck, that you are ugly, that you are disgusting, that you are useless, that you are unloved?
Author
Layla Olefs
Co-Founder of Conversations By You
Comments